We Are At Home In The Body

by For Everest

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credits

released July 29, 2016

For Everest is Sarah Cowell, Jon Crevier, Brian McFarland, Nick Pitman, and Ian Pritchard.

Music by For Everest. Lyrics by Sarah Cowell and Nick Pitman.
Engineered and Produced by Chris Teti at Silver Bullet Studios.
Mastered by Dan Coutant at Sun Room Audio.
Guest Vocals on "Boxcar" by David F. Bello
Violin by Nick Kwas.
Art design by Sarah Bogosh.

For Everest would like to thank the following people: David F. Bello, Chris Carraba, Derrick Shanholtzer-Dvorak, Curtis Ehler, Joe Kelly, Cody & Jessie Pitman, Rigby Pritchard, John Snyder & Electric Audio Experiments, Chris Teti, our friends, our family, and every dog.

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Track Name: Reasons #2-7
How long does it take to convince yourself it’s just a mistake? How long does it take to realize you’re the one to blame? How long have you been living half-asleep? I am the line between sympathy and apathy.

Do you wonder which side you fall on?

Does it feel alright when you change your shape? Does that broken bone make you feel you know pain? Does starting bedroom fires make you feel more cautious? Does our nostalgia help your guilty conscious?

Misery has no company because we’re all hanging out without you.

So tell me again how many songs are written about you but how many of them are good?

Do you wonder which side you fall on?
Track Name: Vitamins
There’s a lady on the F train folding up her sonogram, and her husband has his face in his hands, neither has a wedding band. So she smiles, but he just counts the stops until they get off, and they get off.

There’s a drag queen on Delancey and she asked to speak with me, said it’s time that I found God, and that I must repent for my sins, and that He wants to love me, but first I must say that I’m sorry, well, I think you’re a snake in high heels.

Who do you think will forgive you for this?

You’re taking vitamins to fill the hole in your heart. I hope it works.
Track Name: Slurpee pt. 1
I used the last flare to keep myself warm, knowing no one would see. Four months at the cliff’s edge, coordinates unknown, and rescue seems bleak. It’s sink or swim, a running start but I seem to stall. If I feel like nothing, eventually I will feel nothing at all.

I don’t see how to fight this when it’s easier to fall. A brief moment of weightlessness before nothing at all.
Track Name: Slurpee pt. 2
I’ve been smoking my mother’s brand of cigarettes because I hate myself to death.
I burnt a hole through my brain trying to remember not to do this again. I take what they tell me to feel like myself, but I'm not so sure of when I became someone else.

Nobody notices chapped lips and headaches so I don’t get up most days. Sometimes you can’t get over what you’re going through.

If I feel like nothing, eventually I will feel nothing at all.
Track Name: I'm in a Boxcar Buried inside a Quarry
It should have been a sign when the car battery died, that nothing could be turned on in this cold. And saying “no” doesn’t mean “convince me.” That’s the difference between being held and holding on.

I will pluck out your teeth like petals on a rose and when you bleed out, you can plant them to grow more.

Now I’m cutting my hair to get rid of dead cells because I can’t love you the way I should have loved myself.

I don’t want a body, if I’m just a body, don’t touch me.
Track Name: Autonomy
We don’t talk anymore because you say I don’t sound like myself on the phone. Is it bad that I can’t tell which feels worse?

If the cigarettes don’t cloud your lungs and rot your teeth, and the drugs don't eat your heart and slur your speech, if you make it home tonight without killing anyone else, I hope you find a way to hurt yourself.

At least when you’re too drunk to drive and trying to leave I know you’re not coming home to me. But I wonder what I’ll feel when I see your name on TV, I wonder which of us will feel more relieved?

Are you choking back broken glass? Because I’m chugging gasoline. Guilt is all that stops you from leaving completely, but the engine’s on fire and I’m stuck inside. I said I was fine and I lied.
Track Name: Penny Royalty
You are quiet, you are silent on the way home, because your parents said something racist and you don’t call them anymore. Homemade videos where you bury yourself alive and keep your eyes shut tight.

You were patient, you were kind, you told me to take my time. But creeping doubt and sinking feelings couldn’t be just left behind. “I know,” “it’s not,” “you don’t need to justify,” this has been my whole life.

Do we always learn to live with what we can’t forget? And is that kindness?
I sleep with you in my bed while you dream of kissing gender-less kids. It’s just a matter of time before you leave or I’ll make you wish you had.

You are bright, I say you'll be fine, but mostly you don't feel a thing. And when question what you want, out of life and out of me, you say that neither is enough.

It’s just that i don’t want to think about who I am and the person I’d rather be. I trusted you and you tried to hide, but I knew it would never be alright.

You said you were born wrong, I love you desperately. I apologize, we’re not who we’re meant to be yet.

I am not what I lack, it's just a matter of time.
Track Name: The Body
My chest trembles with coffee grounds and whooping coughs. What is it that breathes? Is it my lungs or me?

My hair hides a locked door and a small window. I can see out but can't get through fully.

My hands are too cold to hold onto but you won’t let me go. What is there to memorialize while I’m still alive?

The body is a mistake. We spend our lives undoing what was made. We've been built, but we’re not complete. We exist but are we worth remembering?
Track Name: 50/50
He looks at you the way he cannot look directly at a car crash, slightly off to the left, half asleep, head-first into headlights, chewing on concrete, trying to decide whether long goodbyes are worse than nothing.

He looks at you as if to say “We Are At Home In The Body,” but when we’re alone in the lobby it’s hard to find anything to say.

There’s no comfort in stained glass or pictures of organs we all have, when it’s just you struggling against the hospital bed, fighting with myself not to make a memory of this moment.

Nothing is worse than long goodbyes.

I don't know how we watch the ones we love die and forget to remember them alive.